Hello faithful We Are Cosmo readers-
No, this isn't another WAC post, per se, but I (Wild ARS) wrote a Cosmo-ish post over at Miss Tiff's blog that you might enjoy, so stop over to find out what men really mean.
I figured if you enjoyed We Are Cosmo silliness, you might enjoy that one. If not, blame it on Ben. But don't tell him I said that. He gets angry and then rips his clothes like the Hulk.
Hello faithful We Are Cosmo readers-
1) Watch. Listen. Learn.
2) Leave a comment with your favourite question/answer combo in order to help me determine who will win the year's subscription to Cosmo magazine.
3) Major apologies to Jen who submitted two hilarious questions. I recorded answers for you then had iMovie trauma and lost it all shortly after midnight and long after my patience for technology crapped out.
This is my final contribution to the We Are Cosmo stog, closing out what has been a phenomenal and hilarious week. Thanks everyone for reading, commenting, tweeting and telling your friends. I had an absolute blast!
And of course the biggest of thanks has to go out to Andy who was the driving force behind all of this. As long as he's kicking, you never know when something like this might pop up again...
Just us Canadian homos?
Fine. Whatever. You bitches need boyfriends. And that's exactly what I'm here for.
August is essentially Summer’s last call. It’s that point where you know the lights are going to come on, the music is going to stop, and you’re going to be standing there surrounded by broken glass watching your best friend go home with the guy you liked.
Now, if I’ve learned anything at all from Cosmo – it’s that the way to a man’s heart is his penis. Or the other way around. Or his stomach is involved somehow. Don’t worry – if you use any combination of heart, penis and stomach, you should make out okay.
1) Shopping with a homo is a privilege, not a right.
Call us when you’re looking for a pair of fuck-me pumps and cleavage dress, not a pair of sensible flats and cardigan for work. We like things that include flash, sex and rock ‘n roll. We are less motivated by sensible, bargain and ‘goes with everything’.
2) When to start looking for another ride home during a night out at the gay bar.
Yes. We all love the night of we-don’t-care-about-men dancing but there comes a point – usually shortly after pretending to enjoy his girl’s shrieking rendition of a Single Ladies remix – where a gay man faces an important and difficult choice:
Option A: Stay true to your girlfriends, dance the night away, wake up spooning Ashley, Jennifer or Tiffany with empty bowls of ice cream on the coffee table and Sex and the City reruns playing on the TV.
Option B: Go home with the hottie and do things that would require diagrams and a Morgan Freeman narrative to explain the next day.
Know when to make your classy exit. A clingy fag-hag is a bad fag-hag.
3) Gay does not mean perfect always.
For the love of God, every now and then we just want to roll out of bed unshowered, throw on a pair of sweats and eat combos at Wendy’s. Please stop insisting that ALL OF OUR ACTIVITIES are art gallery openings, martini nights, and pretending we’re rich.
4) We are not strictly life coaches, therapists or drink dispensers.
You know how they show gay guys on TV as freakishly reliable and patient human beings that exist for no other reason than making the lives of women more pleasant and enjoyable? Yeah. We can do that.
You know what they don’t show? All the times we get sick and tired of ONLY DEALING WITH YOUR LIFE. Ask about us, once in a while. Show some interest. Do something we want to do.
And while we’re on it: you know how we buy you drinks? Return the favour. Unlike straight guys, we’re not trying to get in your pants. We buy drinks expecting you to get the next round. Man up, ladies.
5) Facebook is for posting topless photos of your hot boyfriends. Please do so.
NOR/WAC Cosmo Regular Feature: Horoscopes
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21): Your grandmother will meet her demise after a grand piano, quite comically, falls from a roof. Stay alert, as one of the movers who dropped it is a total hottie.
Libra: Work promises to be busy this month. Be prepared to do anything your boss asks you to do. That way, when you get laid off, you’ll be able to pad your resume.
Scorpio: You’re itching to explore under curious Uranus*. (*Note: That’s the actual Cosmo horoscope this month.)
Sagittarius: Cupid has plans for you, as an unexpected visitor will become the object of your affection, leading to steamy nights. Angelina Jolie has that effect on women.
Capricorn: You’re looking to be more outgoing this month, so grab gal pals from Aries and Scorpio and head to the mall to try on clothes you can’t possibly afford. Unlike past months, slip one of the dresses into your oversized purse and steal that bitch.
Aquarius: You want to take more initiative in your social life. Sign up for a Twilight book club, meet up with local World of Warcraft players and join a neighborhood crocheting club.
Pisces: You’re going to get preggers.
Aries: You’re going to get herpes and preggers. Rejoice in your ability to multitask.
Taurus: Finding time for yourself is crucial. Lie to your friends and tell them you have a new boyfriend who can’t get enough of you. Lie to your parents and tell them you’ve got friends who always want to hang out. Sit in your room and Facebook stalk people.
Gemini: Audition for Real World to prove your self-worth. You’ll find out crucial things about yourself, like the fact you have loose morals and you tend to be slutty on camera.
Cancer: You’re going to be a moody bitch this whole month, but give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt that when he says he’s going out with some friends, he actually will do that and not whore AROUND WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME!
Leo: You’ll find yourself in a Coyote Ugly situation at the local watering hole. Channel your inner Tyra and get up on that bar and dance.
Now ladies, like all men who like to read about edgy fashion and pleasuring men, I'm completely down with the Cosmo. It's the Sex and the City that you can hold in your hands without requiring antibiotics afterward! Besides, without Cosmo, how many women would be able to honestly claim 'Reading' as one of their hobbies on Facebook?
But all that being said, I think it's time that someone call the misguided magazine out on something that has terrified men and embarrassed aspiring sex goddesses around the world. Seriously now...is it just me or is Cosmo’s answer to everything: slip your finger up his butt?
Want to rock his world in bed?
Want to be a sex kitten?
Want to get your dream job?
Want to get the front porch sanded and painted?
Does your dog have trouble pooping?
And the answer is always the same: slip your finger up his butt.
Now, I’m sorry in advance for the overshare, but I consider clearing up some of these misconceptions my civic duty as a trusted expert of this completely fabricated non-issue of an already tragically misleading magazine. So as someone with experience in this area, let me be the first to say that the F2B (acronymed in hopes of undoing some of the terrible search hits that this post is sure to get) is not some magic wand of power....except maybe in the moment it could be given the risk of serious discomfort....but we’re talking IN LIFE here. The F2B trick is not - I repeat, NOT - particularly effective when it comes to getting things done or earning respect in the eyes of your soon-to-be-violated man.
Again, except maybe in the moment given the risk of serious discomfort.
But let's be straight here: proving that you’re sexually daring isn’t like hitchhiking; it takes more than a properly angled thumb.
(Pause for me to congratulate myself on what I consider a new blogging high).
Instead of settling for two knuckles of daring, take a step back and grab the reins! Take control of the situation! Catch him off guard! Don’t save it just for Thursdays! Let him get home from work to find you watching porn in a pair of Victoria’s Secrets and stilettos! Or if nothing else a pair of his boxers and Birkenstocks! Sex transcends fashion, people!
It should be noted here that this works best if your entryway doesn’t come right into your living room. It becomes infinitely less sexy should he have invited the boss over for dinner that night.
Or more sexy if you’re the boss.
Or a whore.
Once you master the new sexually empowered you and have developed enough mutual respect to treat each other like opening act strippers on dollar drink nights, THEN you can work in the F2B and it’ll be part of a larger effort to try new things rather than just a band-aid solution. Plus then your guy won’t be so entirely caught off guard that your F2B execution feels more like what he gets from Dr. Liebenvitz and less like Naughty Nurse Nancy.
A few review points before I send you along your slutty ways:
Will F2B show your man that you can be a little edgy and adventurous? Sure.
Does F2B have the potential to give your man thrills that he’s never imagined? Sure.
But does F2B also give your man more ammo in support of P2A activities?
YOU BET YOUR FIRMLY SHUT BACKDOOR IT DOES.
So ladies, use some common sense and always think…what sort of dangerous precedent am I setting here? That’s right. I know you want to be slutty but not THAT slutty, amiright?
Of course I am.
In case you missed it in all the excitement of the first We Are Cosmo post, we have an awful lot to offer you greedy bitches.
Not only can you expect all the guts and glory of your monthly Cosmo, but you officially have the chance to get all the advice you need to solve every single one of your life's problems. Because as women that's what it's all about - there are 13,953,895 things wrong with you and 5,046,804,964 things you can buy to fix them.
And that's why I'm here. To help. Because you're supposed to be perfect. And you're not. Didn't you know?
Leave your questions, quandrums, scenarios and situations in the comments and I'll tackle them in a one time only We Are Cosmo video segment where the learning will be as deep as any model who has ever appeared in the real Cosmo.
That's GOSSIP GIRL DEEP.
All questions will be answered to the fullest extent of my expertise on Friday.
Too shy? Leave them anonymously or send them by email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Every submission will be entered to win a full year's subscription to Cosmo so that you'll never be without reminders that you're not good enough.
Because you're not.
Ben on behalf of everything that Cosmo stands for like women's rights and junk.
As I sit in my 4 ½” leopard print strappy sandals sipping my sweet wine and contemplating the effects of shoes on a person’s behavior all I can think is, damn I want to do me, like hard in a way people don’t talk about. AC Slater can’t touch this hotness right now.
Why? The arch of the foot, the curve of the thigh, and the fullness of the buttock are all enhanced by a little bit of slut in your step. Well, maybe more like a lot of whore in your heel. Trust me-- all our male readers are rolling a little farther under their desks right now for a reason.
You want your man to come home, throw you against the wall, and ravage you until you’re panting like a wild spider monkey in July?
Trying to find the proper attire during a whipped cream only dress-up party?
Just feel like going from Tipper Gore to Dita Von Teese for a night?
Well a pair of hot “Screw me over a chair till I can’t feel my eyelids” heels can get you there. Is it a shock that Jessica Simpson isn’t loved for her calculus skills?
Below are some examples from our lusty readers’ favorite shoes and what they think while they are being lifted over their heads. Now excuse me while I let the Cabana boy finish licking this wine off my toes.
* Keep an eye out for next month’s article: The Best Sex Positions with Camel Skin Sling Backs
Thanks, Finger Talks, for writing. It would been awkward to have me write about shoe sex.- Andy
"If Ben and Andy wrote Cosmo..."
Yeah, sure, we know that's more than you've ever dreamed of, and we have no qualms if you need to take a minute to put on a fresh pair of underwear after that first sentence. We'll wait...
No, not those granny panties-- nuh uh.
OK, that's better. We couldn't talk about Cosmo with your underwear qualifying as capris.
In celebration of one year of Wild ARS Chase, Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster, has graciously agreed at gunpoint to do another co-blog. How could we not, after our last one in November had many critics evoking the names of Shakespeare, Faulkner and R.L. Stine? Last time, we gave advice to men out there, as we felt extremely qualified to do so, what with our having watched Sex and the City before.
This time around, it's the ladies' turn to get advice. And what better way to do that than by having Oprah guest blog.
And since Oprah is unavailable, we'll do it ourselves, replicating a top womens' advice magazine:
(BEN'S EDIT: Consider this The Ugly Truth of blogging. I'll let you figure out who's Gerard Butler and who's Katherine Heigl...)
(ANDY'S EDIT: Ooh! I want to be Gerard! He was in the Phantom of the Opera! I mean... um.. He was in 300!)
(BEN'S EDIT: Fine. I will be the diva who asks for too much money. Again.)
Following in the footsteps of such legendary stog (short term blog...DUH) collabos as Peter and Brandy, we're going to pump you so full of awesome for one week and one week only that you won't even know what nail colour is in for fall or who's dumping Jessica Simpson.
To sweeten the deal, at the end of the week, one lucky commenter will win their very own subscription to the REAL Cosmo magazine! Any and all comments on any and all posts will be entered to win. To get additional entries, leave a comment with a question or scenario for Ben's advice vlog coming later this week or tweet about We Are Cosmo (tag it #wearecosmo).
In short, on this special edition blog you'll see articles from the NOR and WAC edition of Cosmo...it may change your life. Or give you something to do for five minutes.
Bookmark this sucker. Now.