Brooke Hogan's gay hates his life. Don't let this happen to you.

1) Shopping with a homo is a privilege, not a right.

Call us when you’re looking for a pair of fuck-me pumps and cleavage dress, not a pair of sensible flats and cardigan for work. We like things that include flash, sex and rock ‘n roll. We are less motivated by sensible, bargain and ‘goes with everything’.

2) When to start looking for another ride home during a night out at the gay bar.

Yes. We all love the night of we-don’t-care-about-men dancing but there comes a point – usually shortly after pretending to enjoy his girl’s shrieking rendition of a Single Ladies remix – where a gay man faces an important and difficult choice:

Option A: Stay true to your girlfriends, dance the night away, wake up spooning Ashley, Jennifer or Tiffany with empty bowls of ice cream on the coffee table and Sex and the City reruns playing on the TV.

Option B: Go home with the hottie and do things that would require diagrams and a Morgan Freeman narrative to explain the next day.

Know when to make your classy exit. A clingy fag-hag is a bad fag-hag.

3) Gay does not mean perfect always.

For the love of God, every now and then we just want to roll out of bed unshowered, throw on a pair of sweats and eat combos at Wendy’s. Please stop insisting that ALL OF OUR ACTIVITIES are art gallery openings, martini nights, and pretending we’re rich.

4) We are not strictly life coaches, therapists or drink dispensers.

You know how they show gay guys on TV as freakishly reliable and patient human beings that exist for no other reason than making the lives of women more pleasant and enjoyable? Yeah. We can do that.

You know what they don’t show? All the times we get sick and tired of ONLY DEALING WITH YOUR LIFE. Ask about us, once in a while. Show some interest. Do something we want to do.

And while we’re on it: you know how we buy you drinks? Return the favour. Unlike straight guys, we’re not trying to get in your pants. We buy drinks expecting you to get the next round. Man up, ladies.

5) Facebook is for posting topless photos of your hot boyfriends. Please do so.

‘Nuff said.

19 Responses to "NOR/WAC Cosmo: Top 5 things gay guys wish you knew"

  1. Sid Says:

    Pretending we're rich??? Oooh that DOES sound like a fun game. Unfortunately my pocket gay is in Turkey at the moment.

  2. Doni Says:

    It's become increasingly apparent that I need a pair of fuck-me heels.

  3. Angela Says:

    I love you. I can tell you that, right? That's not a rule I'm breaking?

  4. Maxie Says:

    Mine has sex in the bathroom/car so he can still take me home.

    he's a classy one.

  5. Julian-Courtney Says:

    oh the shopping... please stop taking your gay best friends on suicidal bra shopping missions.

  6. alexa - cleveland's a plum Says:

    this is my favorite post yet (and there have been some good ones) - #2 cracked me up.

    "a clingy fag-hag is a bad fag-hag"


  7. LiLu Says:

    I would pay for #1...

  8. Kellie Says:

    I'll have to find a shirtless picture of the hubs to post on FB for you. :)

  9. sleeves Says:

    Remember how much simpler life was when you believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? And remember how it shattered your world when you discovered they weren't real? That feeling you got when the jig was really up? And how you cried in your cereal and vowed that when YOU have kids someday, things DEFINITELY won't shake down like this. Well, THIS IS KIND OF LIKE THAT. Only instead of the Easter Bunny, it's your gbf. And instead of cereal, it's five bottles of wine. Hates it.

  10. Katie Says:

    Gays buy their friend's drinks? I usually always do the buying. I'm calling up my gayttorney and revisiting my contract. They're breaching it, I'm betting!

  11. Heather Says:

    This is hilarious! Thanks for all of the tips :)

  12. Phil Says:

    #1 is absolutely my favorite, though of course all are true. The only other things I willingly shop for with the ladies, besides clothes, is anything that involves interior design. Because I'm like ten times gayer when it comes to all that shit.

  13. Marie Says:

    My gay bestie up and moved to a different country with his hubby because of work opportunity or some crap like that.

    I swear he didn't move because of me. Promise. Girl scout's honor.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    There's definitely topless photos of my boyfriend on Fbook. Too bad we aren't friends. Ha.

    (There's only one. My friendship isn't worth it though.)

  15. Anonymous Says:

    "a clingy fag-hag is a bad fag-hag"

    favouritist line EVER

  16. Clairebear Says:

    lol glad I knew all this already, or my gay man would be very upset with me lol

  17. Ms. Salti Says:

    Thanks for all the pointers. They're going in my CrackBerry for when I need to refer to them!

  18. Ben Says:

    Sid: It is fun. But expensive.

    Doni: Do it. You'll thank us later when you've been screwed six ways from Sunday.

    Angela: That's allowed.

    Maxie: HAHAHHA

    Julian: Amen.

    Alexa: Words to live by.

    LiLu: I smell a business opportunity...

    Kellie: YES!

    Sleeves: I died laughing at this. I am dead. You're wanted for murder.

    Katie: Wow. I'd reevaluate that scenario.

    Heather: My pleasure!

    Phil: Ooooh home shopping!

    Marie: Ghetto. He doesn't have his priorities straight.

    Amindinmotown: How hot is he?

    MissRambles: Seriously. It's all true.

    Clairebear: He would.

    MsSalti: Excellent idea!

  19. Tia Says:

    i'm the BEST HAG EVER.

    and don't you forget it.

Post a Comment

  • Disclaimer:
    None of this stuff is affiliated with Cosmo. In fact, don't tell Cosmo and we'll just keep this our little secret *threatening throat slashing gesture*