1) Shopping with a homo is a privilege, not a right.
Call us when you’re looking for a pair of fuck-me pumps and cleavage dress, not a pair of sensible flats and cardigan for work. We like things that include flash, sex and rock ‘n roll. We are less motivated by sensible, bargain and ‘goes with everything’.
2) When to start looking for another ride home during a night out at the gay bar.
Yes. We all love the night of we-don’t-care-about-men dancing but there comes a point – usually shortly after pretending to enjoy his girl’s shrieking rendition of a Single Ladies remix – where a gay man faces an important and difficult choice:
Option A: Stay true to your girlfriends, dance the night away, wake up spooning Ashley, Jennifer or Tiffany with empty bowls of ice cream on the coffee table and Sex and the City reruns playing on the TV.
Option B: Go home with the hottie and do things that would require diagrams and a Morgan Freeman narrative to explain the next day.
Know when to make your classy exit. A clingy fag-hag is a bad fag-hag.
3) Gay does not mean perfect always.
For the love of God, every now and then we just want to roll out of bed unshowered, throw on a pair of sweats and eat combos at Wendy’s. Please stop insisting that ALL OF OUR ACTIVITIES are art gallery openings, martini nights, and pretending we’re rich.
4) We are not strictly life coaches, therapists or drink dispensers.
You know how they show gay guys on TV as freakishly reliable and patient human beings that exist for no other reason than making the lives of women more pleasant and enjoyable? Yeah. We can do that.
You know what they don’t show? All the times we get sick and tired of ONLY DEALING WITH YOUR LIFE. Ask about us, once in a while. Show some interest. Do something we want to do.
And while we’re on it: you know how we buy you drinks? Return the favour. Unlike straight guys, we’re not trying to get in your pants. We buy drinks expecting you to get the next round. Man up, ladies.
5) Facebook is for posting topless photos of your hot boyfriends. Please do so.