Now ladies, like all men who like to read about edgy fashion and pleasuring men, I'm completely down with the Cosmo. It's the Sex and the City that you can hold in your hands without requiring antibiotics afterward! Besides, without Cosmo, how many women would be able to honestly claim 'Reading' as one of their hobbies on Facebook?

C'mon....be honest...

But all that being said, I think it's time that someone call the misguided magazine out on something that has terrified men and embarrassed aspiring sex goddesses around the world. Seriously now...is it just me or is Cosmo’s answer to everything: slip your finger up his butt?

Want to rock his world in bed?
Want to be a sex kitten?
Want to get your dream job?
Want to get the front porch sanded and painted?
Does your dog have trouble pooping?

And the answer is always the same: slip your finger up his butt.

Now, I’m sorry in advance for the overshare, but I consider clearing up some of these misconceptions my civic duty as a trusted expert of this completely fabricated non-issue of an already tragically misleading magazine. So as someone with experience in this area, let me be the first to say that the F2B (acronymed in hopes of undoing some of the terrible search hits that this post is sure to get) is not some magic wand of power....except maybe in the moment it could be given the risk of serious discomfort....but we’re talking IN LIFE here. The F2B trick is not - I repeat, NOT - particularly effective when it comes to getting things done or earning respect in the eyes of your soon-to-be-violated man.

Again, except maybe in the moment given the risk of serious discomfort.

But let's be straight here: proving that you’re sexually daring isn’t like hitchhiking; it takes more than a properly angled thumb.

(Pause for me to congratulate myself on what I consider a new blogging high).

Instead of settling for two knuckles of daring, take a step back and grab the reins! Take control of the situation! Catch him off guard! Don’t save it just for Thursdays! Let him get home from work to find you watching porn in a pair of Victoria’s Secrets and stilettos! Or if nothing else a pair of his boxers and Birkenstocks! Sex transcends fashion, people!

It should be noted here that this works best if your entryway doesn’t come right into your living room. It becomes infinitely less sexy should he have invited the boss over for dinner that night.

Or more sexy if you’re the boss.

Or a whore.
Once you master the new sexually empowered you and have developed enough mutual respect to treat each other like opening act strippers on dollar drink nights, THEN you can work in the F2B and it’ll be part of a larger effort to try new things rather than just a band-aid solution. Plus then your guy won’t be so entirely caught off guard that your F2B execution feels more like what he gets from Dr. Liebenvitz and less like Naughty Nurse Nancy.

A few review points before I send you along your slutty ways:

Will F2B show your man that you can be a little edgy and adventurous? Sure.

Does F2B have the potential to give your man thrills that he’s never imagined? Sure.

But does F2B also give your man more ammo in support of P2A activities?

YOU BET YOUR FIRMLY SHUT BACKDOOR IT DOES.

So ladies, use some common sense and always think…what sort of dangerous precedent am I setting here? That’s right. I know you want to be slutty but not THAT slutty, amiright?

Of course I am.

25 Responses to "NOR/WAC Cosmo: Pointing fingers"

  1. Sid Says:

    It should be noted here that this works best if your "entryway" ... That sentence could have ended in a WHOLE different manner.

  2. Doniree Says:

    I'm so with Sid on that one.

  3. Maxie Says:

    Please say this was dedicated to me.

  4. Just A Girl Says:

    Seriously. I would never ever stick my finger in my non-existent-man's butt without discussing it first. Especially with fingernails. For fuck's sake, you have to prepare for anything in the backdoor.

  5. Lizzie Says:

    AMAZING. I wholeheartedly agree with you. 1. I don't want my finger in an out hole. 2. It TOTALLY opens the door for P2A and that is one door I have installed many extra locks on. Great post - can't wait for tomorrow :).

  6. Joel Kelly Says:

    Just terrific in every way.

  7. Phil Says:

    I think what makes this post so effing brilliant is the picture accompanying it. WIN.

  8. JD Says:

    "YOU BET YOUR FIRMLY SHUT BACKDOOR IT DOES."

    nice

  9. Ms. Salti Says:

    The F2B could seriously lead to P2A (I'm assuming I know what this means) and harm a girl's chances of keeping that "firmly shut back door closed"! Very good point! Not that I'd really consider the F2B without a lengthy discussion first... and then lots of alcohol for both of us.

  10. Kyla Roma Says:

    LOL I love this, brilliant.

    I think that whenever Cosmo gives this advice it's really banking on the experience being semi traumatizing, you needing more advice and therefore renewing your subscription.

    Or it's editorial team is all male and attempting to get some F2B action a little too hard.

    I think both are possibilities!

  11. ÄsK AliCë Says:

    Oh I totally agree with Kyla Roma.

    They're drumming up some business with that advice: once your bf dumps you, you have to get advice from "The Bible" right?

  12. Aritza, Goddess of .. Says:

    Hahahaha, oh wow, this one is amazingly funny ! So glad to have your POV on the whole F2B situation, lol. True, true, it may set some undesired precedents :)

  13. Amy Says:

    One thing Cosmo needs to start stressing in their F2B advice is that the key, is WARNING. You wouldn't barge into a stranger's house without knocking, right? You don't go F2B without a little preamble. And that goes for boys, too. You need to let someone know you're in the yard. Otherwise you're an intruder and intruders get shot or get the dogs sicked on them. AMIRITE?????

    Cosmo makes it sound like you shouldn't just approach the back door with a "yoo hooo neighbour!" warning, but rather just kick the door right off its hinges...prrrrrrrrrrrrrobably not guaranteed to be the best approach.

  14. *~Dani~* Says:

    Amy's comment kills me - "barge into a man's house without knocking" - brilliant analogy.

    Claps to you Amy. But not the clap. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

  15. Ben Says:

    Sid: That completely slipped my mind but now I'm hoping to take credit for my unintentional wit.

    Doniree: Fair enough.

    Maxie: Duh.

    Just A Girl: But how does that discussion go? Don't you think he'd be so tense if he knew it was coming?

    Lizzie: Hahahahaha

    Joel: Thank you sir.

    Phil: I got lucky there...

    JD: Thanks!

    MsSalti: The discussion is optional. The alcohol is a must.

    Kyla: Both very confusing possibilities....

    Alice: Totally true.

    Aritza: I'm not saying don't do it...just be prepared.

    Amy: Agreed yet I'd caution against a full fledged discussion and preparation. F2B needs to be somewhat spontaneous or else that entry is going to clamp down harder than a stripper working a pole. There must be some healthy balance of prep versus exciting thrill. Besides, no dude is going to be all, 'yes - let's talk about how you're going to stick a finger in my backdoor. Surely I'll be all for it by the end of the conversation'. Ya know?

    Dani: She's a wise one, indeed.

  16. Mermanda Says:

    ::mouth hanging open::

    So many questions.

  17. Ben Says:

    Mermanda: Don't hold back. Try me.

  18. Erin W. Says:

    I really can't stop laughing at this. OMG, and all these years I've been thinking WTF F2B?! No way! Thank you for finally saying how ridic this theory is. :)

  19. miss rambles Says:

    wow!

    the awesomness in this faux cosmo is amazing...i feel cheated by real cosmo now!leading me down a path of all things unslutty and unpleasurable!

  20. Soda and Candy Says:

    So. True.

  21. Ben Says:

    Happy to open some eyes before you open some doors...

  22. Tia Says:

    ANYTHING-2-B is NO JOKE, yo.

    seriously.

    that shit can't be a surprise.

    (no pun intended.)

  23. vanilla north Says:

    "And the answer is always the same: slip your finger up his butt."

    Fantastic!!! loved that one! :)

  24. ken Says:

    this post is very funny.

    and true.

    maybe it's funny because it's true?

  25. Aubrey Says:

    I think that F2B is a great move, not in bed, but when he least expects it.

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