NOR/WAC Cosmo Regular Feature: Horoscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21): Your grandmother will meet her demise after a grand piano, quite comically, falls from a roof. Stay alert, as one of the movers who dropped it is a total hottie.

Libra: Work promises to be busy this month. Be prepared to do anything your boss asks you to do. That way, when you get laid off, you’ll be able to pad your resume.

Scorpio: You’re itching to explore under curious Uranus*. (*Note: That’s the actual Cosmo horoscope this month.)

Sagittarius: Cupid has plans for you, as an unexpected visitor will become the object of your affection, leading to steamy nights. Angelina Jolie has that effect on women.

Capricorn: You’re looking to be more outgoing this month, so grab gal pals from Aries and Scorpio and head to the mall to try on clothes you can’t possibly afford. Unlike past months, slip one of the dresses into your oversized purse and steal that bitch.

Aquarius: You want to take more initiative in your social life. Sign up for a Twilight book club, meet up with local World of Warcraft players and join a neighborhood crocheting club.

Pisces: You’re going to get preggers.

Aries: You’re going to get herpes and preggers. Rejoice in your ability to multitask.

Taurus: Finding time for yourself is crucial. Lie to your friends and tell them you have a new boyfriend who can’t get enough of you. Lie to your parents and tell them you’ve got friends who always want to hang out. Sit in your room and Facebook stalk people.

Gemini: Audition for Real World to prove your self-worth. You’ll find out crucial things about yourself, like the fact you have loose morals and you tend to be slutty on camera.

Cancer: You’re going to be a moody bitch this whole month, but give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt that when he says he’s going out with some friends, he actually will do that and not whore AROUND WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME!

Leo: You’ll find yourself in a Coyote Ugly situation at the local watering hole. Channel your inner Tyra and get up on that bar and dance.

17 Responses to "NOR/WAC Cosmo: Horoscopes"

  1. Anonymous Says:

    The boyfriend won't whore around? Sweeeeeet. Good to know. I was already feeling worried.

  2. Just A Girl Says:


    Damn you Cosmo for making me all emotional and shit.

  3. Marie Says:

    Hey! How did you know I was loose? ESPECIALLY on camera?!

  4. Andy Says:

    Motown- Did I mention the horoscopes aren't fool proof?
    JustaGirl- You can print out the articles and use them to dry your tears.
    Marie- Sorry you were the last one to find out. Check YouTube. It's a fact at this point.

  5. Maxie Says:

    How did you know I was a scorpio??

  6. Anonymous Says:

    My scorpio-tastic right eyebrow just shot up.

  7. Ms. Salti Says:

    If only the real horoscopes were this truthful. And wtf with the Uranus comment in the actual mag?

  8. Andy Says:

    Maxie- My feminine intuition.
    Peter- It's almost like Scorpio's horoscope is directly related to Ben's cover story.
    Salti- No joke, that was in the mag. Couldn't have made it up if I tried.

  9. ÄsK AliCë Says:

    Dammit, I'm an Aries.

    I better go get the morning after pill now in preparation.

  10. Doniree Says:

    What if I already spend my me-time alone in my room Facebook stalking people?

  11. Anonymous Says:


    am i the next non-vigirn mary cos i ain't been having sex and you tell all those who fall under the fish sign we pregnant...omg omg omg breathe breathe am not ready for children omg omg omg

    wait this ain't even a real cosmo...its ok folks its a false positive *sigh of relief*


  12. *~Dani~* Says:

    How did you know I facebook stalk people? Creepy...

  13. alexa - cleveland's a plum Says:

    great, i'm going to be a moody bitch all month.

    eh, don't a big difference from any other month.

  14. Finger Talks Says:

    i tend to be slutty everywhere not just on camera.

  15. Heather Says:

    So I'm hooking up with Angelina this month? Interesting... I didn't know I swung that way. Thanks fake Cosmo for introducing me to some new options.

  16. Erin W. Says:

    Rejoicing on being ablt to multitask. Yessss. :)

  17. Tamara Says:

    Most horoscopes are crap. This is the first lot I've ever found that were interesting, entertaining, laugh out loud crap ;-) Here from Sid's blog.

    PS: Your word verification is harefug. Any thoughts on that?

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