NOR/WAC Cosmo Regular Feature: Horoscopes
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21): Your grandmother will meet her demise after a grand piano, quite comically, falls from a roof. Stay alert, as one of the movers who dropped it is a total hottie.
Libra: Work promises to be busy this month. Be prepared to do anything your boss asks you to do. That way, when you get laid off, you’ll be able to pad your resume.
Scorpio: You’re itching to explore under curious Uranus*. (*Note: That’s the actual Cosmo horoscope this month.)
Sagittarius: Cupid has plans for you, as an unexpected visitor will become the object of your affection, leading to steamy nights. Angelina Jolie has that effect on women.
Capricorn: You’re looking to be more outgoing this month, so grab gal pals from Aries and Scorpio and head to the mall to try on clothes you can’t possibly afford. Unlike past months, slip one of the dresses into your oversized purse and steal that bitch.
Aquarius: You want to take more initiative in your social life. Sign up for a Twilight book club, meet up with local World of Warcraft players and join a neighborhood crocheting club.
Pisces: You’re going to get preggers.
Aries: You’re going to get herpes and preggers. Rejoice in your ability to multitask.
Taurus: Finding time for yourself is crucial. Lie to your friends and tell them you have a new boyfriend who can’t get enough of you. Lie to your parents and tell them you’ve got friends who always want to hang out. Sit in your room and Facebook stalk people.
Gemini: Audition for Real World to prove your self-worth. You’ll find out crucial things about yourself, like the fact you have loose morals and you tend to be slutty on camera.
Cancer: You’re going to be a moody bitch this whole month, but give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt that when he says he’s going out with some friends, he actually will do that and not whore AROUND WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME!
Leo: You’ll find yourself in a Coyote Ugly situation at the local watering hole. Channel your inner Tyra and get up on that bar and dance.