Now ladies, like all men who like to read about edgy fashion and pleasuring men, I'm completely down with the Cosmo. It's the Sex and the City that you can hold in your hands without requiring antibiotics afterward! Besides, without Cosmo, how many women would be able to honestly claim 'Reading' as one of their hobbies on Facebook?

C'mon....be honest...

But all that being said, I think it's time that someone call the misguided magazine out on something that has terrified men and embarrassed aspiring sex goddesses around the world. Seriously now...is it just me or is Cosmo’s answer to everything: slip your finger up his butt?

Want to rock his world in bed?
Want to be a sex kitten?
Want to get your dream job?
Want to get the front porch sanded and painted?
Does your dog have trouble pooping?

And the answer is always the same: slip your finger up his butt.

Now, I’m sorry in advance for the overshare, but I consider clearing up some of these misconceptions my civic duty as a trusted expert of this completely fabricated non-issue of an already tragically misleading magazine. So as someone with experience in this area, let me be the first to say that the F2B (acronymed in hopes of undoing some of the terrible search hits that this post is sure to get) is not some magic wand of power....except maybe in the moment it could be given the risk of serious discomfort....but we’re talking IN LIFE here. The F2B trick is not - I repeat, NOT - particularly effective when it comes to getting things done or earning respect in the eyes of your soon-to-be-violated man.

Again, except maybe in the moment given the risk of serious discomfort.

But let's be straight here: proving that you’re sexually daring isn’t like hitchhiking; it takes more than a properly angled thumb.

(Pause for me to congratulate myself on what I consider a new blogging high).

Instead of settling for two knuckles of daring, take a step back and grab the reins! Take control of the situation! Catch him off guard! Don’t save it just for Thursdays! Let him get home from work to find you watching porn in a pair of Victoria’s Secrets and stilettos! Or if nothing else a pair of his boxers and Birkenstocks! Sex transcends fashion, people!

It should be noted here that this works best if your entryway doesn’t come right into your living room. It becomes infinitely less sexy should he have invited the boss over for dinner that night.

Or more sexy if you’re the boss.

Or a whore.
Once you master the new sexually empowered you and have developed enough mutual respect to treat each other like opening act strippers on dollar drink nights, THEN you can work in the F2B and it’ll be part of a larger effort to try new things rather than just a band-aid solution. Plus then your guy won’t be so entirely caught off guard that your F2B execution feels more like what he gets from Dr. Liebenvitz and less like Naughty Nurse Nancy.

A few review points before I send you along your slutty ways:

Will F2B show your man that you can be a little edgy and adventurous? Sure.

Does F2B have the potential to give your man thrills that he’s never imagined? Sure.

But does F2B also give your man more ammo in support of P2A activities?

YOU BET YOUR FIRMLY SHUT BACKDOOR IT DOES.

So ladies, use some common sense and always think…what sort of dangerous precedent am I setting here? That’s right. I know you want to be slutty but not THAT slutty, amiright?

Of course I am.